Anna Reeves
AP English 404
Mr. Schwager
11 February 2014
The San Juan Enquirer: Cat and Wife
BOULDER, CO. -- Since Monday a new peice of groundbreaking
legislation, potentially legalizing the intermarriage of the human and feline
species, has been pending passage. A
crowd has gathered outside of the town hall in Boulder to await the council's
final decision. Members in support of the legislation, known as Cat-alysts, are
hopeful that legislators will be sympathetic to their cause, freedom of
marraige for all species.
Chelsea Darcy of Snowmass, Co. is active in the pro-cat
movement, and present to demonstrate outside of town hall.
" It's just so
important to me that we should be able to love whoever we want to love, and
that we shouldn't be discriminated against just because who we love happens to
not be human. Today could be a victory for all of us who have had to face so
many years of injustice." Chelsea
says. Chelsea has been dating her boyfriend, a cat named George, for eight
years, and has yet to take a further step in their relationship as it is
currently illegal. Chelsea says George has been the most understanding
boyfriend she has ever had. George refused to comment.
We have begun more and more frequently to hear accounts
such as Chelsea's, and are forced to
wonder, are man and cat really made for each other? A recent Gallup poll tells
us that 80% of women are more pleased with their cats than any other
significant male humans in their lives, although it seems men are still more
partial to their dogs. As we enquired after more of the pro-cat crowd in
Boulder, the benefits of marrying your cat-friend seem manifold. One of the
most significant points to consider is that of marriage expenses: arrangements,
invitations, honeymoon, etc. In choosing to marry your cat, most of your
friends and relatives will probably think you are insane or joking. This,
obviously is great because it means very
few people would actually come to the wedding, and would relieve all of the
stress of bridesmaids, emotionally unstable family members, flowers, a
ridiculously expensive cake, and all of the other unnecessary details included
in the typical wedding. A honeymoon could be forgone completely, because a cat
would most likely sleep for most of the trip, and certainly would not enjoy the
flight. The expense of wedding clothes
are also much cheaper if one of you happens to be a cat, as it requires about
1/8-1/16 of the fabric, of course depending on the cat's obesity level. There
is already a market for cat wedding suits and gowns in anticipation of the
installation of the new marriage law in Colorado. Entrepreneur Píerré Tousainté said in an interview with the Enquirer, " I am
inspired by the beauty of the feline. In fact, my true love is my cat Fifi. I
am so excited to unite my passion for the beautiful dress with my passion for
the felines in my boutique, Le Dress de
Le Chat."
Another benefit of a feline-human connexion is, in the case
of a woman, a solution to the problem of
feeding the husband. A human husband of course would demand such
delicacies as beer and bacon burgers, and fancy, expensive cooking equipment
such as a grill, which are suitable only to men and manly purposes. A cat would
never demand you make him a sandwich or buy him a special variety of wine and cheese
for his birthday. In fact, a cat would not know it was his own birthday at all,
and would be quite content with a can of dreadful-smelling brown mush.
A woman would also be more easily inclined to take up a
healthy lifestyle, because a cat would certainly not bring home a value pack of
frosted sugar stuffed apple turnovers with extra frosting, or deep-fried
Mac'n'Cheese bites wrapped in bacon.
In the case of a man, a feline wife would be even more
economical, as one could almost forgo building a kitchen completely, buy only a
barbeque, and live off of hamburgers ribs, and the occasional vegetable.
Anything else could of course be purchased pre-made, and dirty dishes could be
stacked up to the ceiling without any complaints.
Our economists have calculated that the average woman would
save $10,000 yearly and a man would save $20,000 yearly with a feline spouse.
Lastly, and most importantly, a cat is an excellent source
of moral support, a thoughtful listener, and an over-all considerate companion.
In the time spent talking to the cat-lovers of Boulder, Colorado, many
endearing stories of cats and their selfless devotion have been told. Marcy Davis of Denver related one especially
heartwarming tale.
"I was having a terrible day, and got to bed pretty
late. My kitty was tired too, after sleeping all day, but all the same he got
up and caught a surprise for me. When he got back, I heard a strange noise
coming from my bed, and what do you know!? He had brought me a bat! It was the
most thoughtful thing anyone had done for me, and it made me realize we were
meant to be together."
Now that is true love.
Cats are, among so many other things, a constant comfort, a
trusty alarm clock, when you need to wake up at three in the morning, a
headwarmer on a cold night, or on an uncomfortably warm night, and sure to add
some furry excitement to any boringly clean article of clothing left out for
more than an hour. Who could ever need a better companion?
Marcy and many others
await the decision of the Colorado legislature in the hope that they
will soon be able to be united officially with their loved ones, and that the
era of cat-lover discrimination will be over for good.
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