I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I
woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a
hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small
village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my
yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract
artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide
swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I
am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number
nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small
moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish
an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations
for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and
my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but
forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I
have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka,
and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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